School starts again. The bell rings again. It starts again. From the first class to the last class, hating each one, but yet my smile on the outside tells the world that everything is okay. As I drag myself through the day the biggest challenge is one that should come naturally, the one that should be easiest thing after breathing. Speaking.
With no confidence, with no self-esteem, with no self-belief or worth. Speaking is the hardest part of the day and the pressure is on. From speaking to new people, to people in my class, to answering questions in class. Answering questions in class is by far the hardest due to the fact that it is in front of every one, everyone is listening, listening on your every word and the immense pressure not to say something wrong to say something stupid and for it to come back to bite you in the form of small subtle hints and mockery from the rest of the class. Is by far the hardest.
When speaking you feel as though the whole of the world’s eyes are watching you, as though time is being stretched out and that it is never going to end. Your mind races throwing words around to try form some coherent order. Some words slowly fall out, and then as the letters drop one by one, your mind switches in to an anxiety panic mode. Thinking what did I just say, did I say it right, did I answer the right question, and was I wrong? The questions keep going so much so that you forget what you were talking about and lose your place.
Throughout my school life this is how I felt about answering questions in class, this lead to me stopping myself answering questions even when I knew the answer. So many times somebody else would answer the questions and in my head I would repeat my answer and nine times out of 10 I would be right.